The Next Contestant
by AbhorsenSabriel87
Summary: A one-shot based on the Nickelback song of the same name. One-sided Sanji x Nami, one-sided Zoro x Sanji, rated for language and mild violence.


Well, here's something different BECAUSE I FELT LIKE IT.

Just so you know, I technically don't ship this pairing, but I thought it would be amusing to shove it together for funsies. Especially after I heard this song a half-dozen times in one day and couldn't sleep. x…x Oh yeah, I'm placing the lyrics in the song so things make sense, so don't yell that it's a song-fic; no one's actually _hearing_ the music. e.e;;

Disclaimer: I don't own _One Piece_, no do I claim ownership to any Nickelback titles.

Warning: Hinted boy love, light violence, and mild swearing. Wow, not as bad as usual. o.o;;

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It was just supposed to be a night out at a tavern. They'd stopped into port for the night (finally, in Sanji's opinion; they were almost out of limes, and he didn't want any of these idiots getting scurvy on _his_ watch). They'd gone to a pretty decent inn, settled up, and gone out on the town. Mainly because Nami wanted to. Then again, he'd do anything for the gorgeous copper-haired woman that navigated their ship… well, except maybe stop smoking. _That_ request would likely end up with him or one of his male nakama dead.

But, they went out to a rowdy bar, and the blonde couldn't help but notice how _beautiful_ their thieving navigator looked in her new black mini-skirt and tight blue blouse that amplified her gracious chest _just_ right. But, as he gazed at her, his mind also could not help but tick off the number of _other_ guys were doing the _exact_ same thing.

_I judge by what she's wearing__  
Just how many heads I'm tearing  
Off of assholes coming on to her_

It didn't help that when she sat down at the bar with the rest of the crew (whom he'd aptly been ignoring, considering that they were all _men_), she batted her pretty strawberry-blonde eyelashes and whispered flirtingly with the bartender to get her drink. Keeping calm, the chef sauntered over to the bar as well, ordering himself a glass of wine and fawning over the young lady sitting next to him. Meanwhile, his visible blue eye continued making rounds, his possessiveness taking root easily as he noted the lewd glances in his beloved Nami's direction.

This was the only bad thing about going out like this-

_Each night it seems like it's getting worse_

-and he honestly wished that just _sometimes_ she wouldn't shamelessly manipulate others with her absolutely goddess-like beauty-

_And I wish she'd take the night off__  
So I don't have to fight off  
Every asshole coming on to her_

-because each time she _crossed_ one of them (which she always did), he threw himself into the fight to protect her delicate physique. That usually ended up with him getting hurt in some way or another, but it was all pretty minor in comparison to what could have been done to her ethereal flesh by those same brutes!

After a while of talking with the barkeep, the waifish yet curvaceous young lady made her way to the floor and danced with the locals to the swift-paced music that flowed from strings and winds on-stage. As he watched her, he couldn't help but smile dreamily at her luscious frame whirling in time with the music, outshining all the other girls on the floor…

Though, they _were_ exceptionally beautiful themselves…

_They'll go and ask the DJ  
Find out just what would she say  
If they all tried coming on to her_

Just then, a few of the on-lookers came up to the bar, laughing and ordering drinks. Giving a wary glance to them, the slender man sipped his wine, keeping calm while listening in on their increasingly lewd conversation about his dear Nami. Mostly, they were asking about her; what her drink was, who she was, if she would… well, if there are young ladies reading this, he'd dare not repeat what he heard for fear of damaging their innocent ears.

In any case-

_Don't they know it's never gonna work?_

-Nami would _never_ go for any of them in the first place, _especially_-

_They think they'll get it inside her_

-with what they were insinuating about his sweet, gorgeous Nami. In less than a minute, the barkeep was given a couple coins for her drink, and one walked up to her on the floor, handing her the beverage-

_With every drink they buy her_

-with what Sanji could only _assume_ was supposed to be a charming smile. God, don't these _idiots_-

_This time somebody's getting hurt_

-know that Nami's heart is already well on its way to belonging to him? As it rightfully should! And he would damn well challenge _any_ man who would _dare_ try to take that from him!

_Here comes the next contestant_

A frown creased the blonde's brow, his one visible eye glittering menacingly as he watched the spectacle behind his wine glass. He never butted in unless Nami was being treated wrongly (mainly because she would end up beating him up and not speaking to him for weeks after), though it was still rather difficult-

_Is that your hand on my girlfriend?  
Is that your hand?_

-when they decided they could put their hands all over her, like she was a brothel wench on display. Each time they did it, he felt his fuse growing shorter-

_I wish you'd do it again_

-until he wanted to kick the shit out of them for even _gazing_ upon her stunning visage.

_I'll watch you leave here limping_

He would _always_ protect her, no matter _what_ she said, simply because to him she was always in the right. His dearest Nami could never be wronged, lest they face his particularly _painful_ vengeance.

_I wish you'd do it again  
I'll watch you leaving limping_

Fortunately, this one was turned away with only a coy smirk and a tart reply. The dejected man scowled and stalked back to his companions, and Sanji couldn't help but grin.

_There goes the next contestant_

So, it seemed like his dear Nami would be just fine for now. Glancing off into the crowd, the blonde chef finished his glass and placed it on the counter. From next to him came an offer for another, and when he turned he saw an exceptionally exquisite woman sitting where Nami once had, her deep auburn locks flowing silkily over her low-cut shirt and slender body. With a grin, he accepted, the navigator forgotten for a moment as he indulged in "conversation" (aka him telling her just how beautiful she is, and no, _certainly_ she shouldn't buy him a drink, why it would be _his_ pleasure!) with the generous beauty next to him. A little ways off down the bar, he could see Luffy excitedly engaged in an eating contest with another customer, as well as that damn marimo watching the bar in a general expression of boredom as he drank God knows what out of a high-ball glass and a bottle on the counter. The man's dark gaze swung lazily over to him, and though he couldn't really fathom why, he could have sworn he saw a dangerous flash before a smirk crossed the tan swordsman's face. He jerked his head over to the dance floor, and (sadly, pretty lady ignored for the moment) Sanji followed his gaze to a sexy young woman dancing with Nami rather… well, he couldn't really deny that it was the hottest thing he'd seen in a while. But even still! Sanji, while quite the ladies-man himself-

_I even fear the ladies  
They're cool but twice as crazy  
Just as bad for coming on to her  
Don't they know it's never gonna work?_

-did _not_ like to share his beautiful Nami with _anyone_. Not even another beautiful lady; Nami made it pointedly clear that she only flirted with women for the same reason she did with men—to get their guard down and rip them off. Only this time, Sanji couldn't help but note the hot and heavy nature with which they danced, the other woman's hand sliding over the red-head's suggestive figure as it swung this way and that-

_Each time she bats an eyelash  
Somebody's grabbing her ass  
Everyone is coming on to her_

-and the brunette next to him stalked away in a huff (he noticed and was deeply saddened by it, but his focus was more on suppressing the possessive nature coming from watching his love being man-handled by another woman).

_This time somebody's getting hurt  
Here comes the next contestant_

He could barely believe that this complete stranger had the gall (or the incredible _luck_) to be able to run her hands over his sweetly violent navigator's curvy frame with such ardor-

_Is that your hand on my girlfriend?  
Is that your hand?  
I wish you'd do it again_

Though he could never in his life raise a hand against the fairer sex, he could feel his body tense in smoldering anger. If only she was a man, then he'd be off of this stool-

_I'll watch you leave here limping_

-and going to his intelligent beauty's rescue by kicking their ass over the next hundred leagues.

_I wish you'd do it again  
I'll watch you leave here limping_

Fortunately, as the other's hand reached a precarious place that made Sanji's heart jump into his throat, his innocent Nami swatted the hand away and glared at the woman, sliding off the dance floor to an empty chair and having a seat. With a light smile, the chef relaxed and drank the second glass of wine bought for him.

_There goes the next contestant_

Still, he couldn't shake the anxiety and jitters that flowed through him at the sight of those men and women staring at her. Placing the now empty glass on the counter again, he set his cold cigarette butt in the ashtray and lit one anew, sucking in the relaxing taste of nicotine and quality tobacco. Now he was starting to get really irritated; couldn't she have picked something _less_ revealing in a backwater town like this?

_I'm hating what she's wearing_

Especially when all this attention was _certainly_ not what she was looking for? After all, those guys looked dangerous; and he didn't like the way _that_ one was looking at her in particular.

_Everybody here keeps staring_

He was gonna reach the end of his rope soon if they didn't back off right-

_Can't wait 'till someone gets what they deserve._

Her yelp reached him even as he leapt to his feet, having seen the large man grab her arm far more roughly than a proper lady should ever be touched. He weaved through the throng of people, cold intent in his single-eyed gaze.

_This time someone's getting hurt_

Calmly, Sanji tapped the man on the shoulder, waiting until he turned around with a cold expression of indifference on his fine features.

_Here comes the next contestant_

"Excuse me, but-

_Is that your hand on my girlfriend?_

-I believe that's my navigator you're currently abusing."

_Is that your hand?_

"A lady should never be treated with such disrespect, don't you know?" He took a long drag from his cig as the man chuckled and pulled Nami forward roughly. Though his expression remained placid, Sanji's visible crystal blue eye gleamed in anger.

_I wish you'd do it again_

Then, the man shoved the copper-haired thief into the chef, taking the chance to try and hit him. Sanji, however, was better than this; twisting his body away from the punch, he spun Nami around behind him and let her drop to the floor before returning to his former position and kicking the man squarely in the chin. He staggered back, rage now present on his far less than charming face as Sanji took another drag. As the blonde looked forward again, his eye shone with just as much resolve and he shifted his feet, ready for a fight.

"Looks like I need to teach you some manners."

_I'll watch you leave here limping_

In moments, the bar was in chaos; and the chef was at the center of it, his kicks bringing swift retribution to any who came within reach. His legs flew at seemingly impossible angles, hitting with even more impossible speed and strength. However, the area became thicker with fighters, and he found that he couldn't move quite as much as before. He was still better than them, though.

_I wish you'd do it again_

A quick glance behind him showed that Nami had escaped back over to the rest of their crew in the bar, speaking quickly with a still gorging Luffy and a disinterested idiot swordsman. With a sigh of relief, Sanji twisted out of the way of one attack…

…to get hit square in the face by an unseen fist. As he fell to the floor, the throng gathered again, keeping his space from expanding again. Cursing to himself, he reminded himself to make sure the bar was _clearer_ before starting a fight. He could taste copper in his mouth, and the man whom he'd kicked was about to descend on him with a vengeance. But suddenly, someone beside him was thrown out of the way like a sack of flour, and another stepped into the fray (a pair of dark green, loose pants bordering on pitch tucked into heavily scuffed boots appearing in the empty space).

Just as the others looked up, a tan arm lashed out with amazing speed, knocking the man back with a punch imbued with enough force to make the men behind him stagger under his weight. Sanji wiped the blood from his lip and shifted on the floor; the last one had hit a nerve hard an left his leg tingling painfully, but he tried getting up anyway before the owner of the fist stalked forward, triplicate swords clanking rhythmically against his hip as gold chimed from his left ear.

"Back away from the cook, shitheads. Else things are going to get bloodier." The look on the marimo's face was a smirk of confidence; as if he knew whatever was to come, he'd still come out completely unscathed while a pile of bodies rested in his wake. It was a look that said-

_I'll watch you leave here limping_

-that if they didn't leave now, they wouldn't for a _long_ while.

As if in answer to the swordsman's statement, a man from the side threw a punch, which was easily blocked and countered, swords still sheathed as the tan skin flashed and left only air and blood where the conscious man once stood.

Then, the man hit Zoro in the shoulders with a chair, shattering the wooden object. The swordsman cowed a bit, but his stance was steady and he didn't fall. As Sanji moved to get up, he saw the shadows lift from the bounty hunter's face as he turned a wicked and utterly demonic grin upon the man, who now backed away from his terrifying expression. "If that's how it goes, asshole," he growled, his hands clenching into tight fists as he stepped back, crossing his with the now standing chef.

_I wish you'd do it again.  
Each night it seems like it's getting worse_

"Do it again, and be ready to take it back tenfold."

_I wish you'd do it again_

They were on the pair in seconds, however-

_This time somebody's getting hurt_

-in mere moments, it was over with. The two fighters stalked back to their finally full captain, Sanji lighting another cigarette with a look of pure irritation and Zoro rubbing his raw knuckles as the gleam of excitement slowly faded from his dark eyes.

"Well, now that it's over," the chef stated, taking a heavy draw and exhaling a cloud of smoke, "we should get back to the hotel."

To this, Luffy yawned in agreement, and the group began to file out, Nami apologizing breathily in Sanji's ear as he doted on her with reassuring flirts and promises that her flesh would never be damaged like that again. Zoro dropped the beri that they needed to pay the keep on the bar. The barkeep glanced to the bar, then nodded.

"Come again sometime. These idiots need keepin' in line." Zoro shrugged nonchalantly and followed his comrades. He paused at the door when he saw the blonde chef ahead, then looked back at the bar, the gleam of excitement and relish reappearing as his eyes scanned the floor, now at a complete lack for conscious people.

And he grinned at the thought of competing and showing his strength like this again the next time they were in a town like this. And then for that stupid cook… well…

He turned and left after his nakama, the grin still present on his triumphant face. He supposed he'd _make_ the bastard acknowledge his presence.

_There goes the next contestant_

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So, yeah, just for shits and giggles. Hope you guys liked the one-sided Sanji x Nami and the even more subtle and one-sided Zoro x Sanji! *laughs* I'm a bitch, I know.


End file.
